(The following is just my opinion. Please don't tell Uri Geller or he'll
sue me.)
Uri Geller is one creepy bastard.
Maybe you knew that already, maybe you didn't. But even if you were aware of Mr. Geller's inherent ickiness, it still doesn't hurt to be reminded of it. At least that was the thinking behind a recent decision to spend a significat amount of money to attend a seminar given by the noted spoon bender. And, perhaps more importantly, this event presented a chance to jump into the belly of the beast that is Uri Geller.
For those unfamiliar with Uri Geller here's a brief synopsis: he's a guy most famous for his ability to bend spoons with his mind. He's got a ton of other special "unexplainable" powers, too, but the spoon bending's his big claim to fame. And he claims the things he does are not "tricks," they're more mental feats. Therefore, he disdains the term "Magician" even though he looks like a preppy David Copperfield and operates with all the cheesy showmanship — abeit somewhat more subdued - Doug Henning. And the really great thing about Geller is that you can't prove him wrong. Geller's biggest failure came on The The Tonight Show, when Johnny Carson surprised him by bringing on James "The Amazing" Randi, a noted debunker of all things paranormal. The two supplied a set of their own metal objects for Geller to bend, but, alas, old Uri came up short. Not too surprisingly, it was the negative energy in the room that took most of the blame. Plus, Geller makes it a point to say that his powers sometimes work and sometimes they just don't. Incdentally, my copy editing powers work the same way.
At this point, I should also note that eversthing bad I say about Uri Geller in this essay is either a blatant lie or my own ill-informed journalistically biased opinion. I say this mainly because I am poor and Mr. Gellerr likes to sue to keep his good name. Quite Frankly, I don't have the money for lawsuits against me. So, please keep in mind that I'm an evil liar and nothing I say should be taken seriously. And, that "creepy bastard, thing? Just the feeling I get. No basis in fact. Don't personally know the man, but I bet he's a super guy. I'm only telling you about my (horrendeously biased, clumsily reported) experiences at a seminar given by Uri Geller. No one needs to be sued here.
Good. Now that's out of the way and we can get back to this little (ha!) essay's point — the creepy bastardness of Uri Geller. I took down notes throughout his seminar (instantly setting mc apart from what appeared to be a crowd full of card-carrying members of the Uri-Nation - that's the last urine pun. I promise), and Ill be damned if I can believe my own notes. For instance, one passage seems to indicate that, as a child, little Uri was sitting by he window, when "For no reason whatsoever," a British officer fired two bullets. Now, that may be slightly hard to fathom, but it's what I have written after this that really bothers me. It seems that Uri was saved when a teddy bear rolled over his face and absorbed the brunt of the bullet's force. That can't possibly be right, can it?
And, apparently this was just one moment in Uris childhood. He was also "zapped" and pushed to the ground by some mysterious force that lured him to an alley with the cry of kittens. After this incident, he discovered his ability to bend spoons. Little Uri was eating soup one day at the family table when, wouldn't you know it, the damn spoon started bending and then snapped in two. Uri was no less of a dilemma at school, either. One day, the wee spoon bender really wished hard that the clock would move an hour ahead. By now, you're probably caching on — the clock moved an hour and the teacher was a bit miffed. Despite his ability to make the school day go faster, Uri was ridiculed by his peers (though he would show them by stealing answers from them - using his ESP powers, of course). ( Text unavailable)
...else, it shows the crucial role teddy bears have played in the life of Uri Geller and perhaps the future of our country. Yet for all his bizarre ideas, the true creepiness of Uri Geller isn't fully exposed until you take a good, hard look at those who choose to fill Uris pockets by attending these seminars (let's leave me out of this — I was just doing research). During the brief Q&A session that folowed Uri's seminar/speech, one gentleman explained that he didn't know anything about Uri until he recently heard him on the radio. He doesn't even listen to the station normally, but, (cue X-Files theme), for some unexplained reason, he stopped on the dial that day and heard Uri. This man's question, delivered in a sincere, earnest way, was whether Uri had sent vibes through his radio to get him to come to the seminar. To his credit, Uri denied doing this. Still, it makes you wonder about humanity, as does Geller's final feat, making a seed sprout in his hands (note to Willie Nelson and Farm Aid: sign this guy up). I'm pretty sure it sprouted, though the crowd of people surrounding him like he was the Pied Piper sort of blocked my view. It's not something I'd be terribly impressed with anyway. There's a reason why "Able to make radish seeds sprout in his hand" did nor replace "Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound" when Superman's creators were thinking about what their superhero could do.
It's easy to get angry with the people who believe whole-hog in Geller, but that misses the point. For all his chicanery, Geller is a pretty suave, charismatic guy. It's easy to see why people worship him, just as it's easy to see why people kept Bill Clinton in office for 8 years. And
while I certainly wouldn't want to see the majority of my fellow semin
ar attendees disappear and never he seen again, I wouldn't really mind
it if Uri Geller never made another television appearance or gave
another seminar. Maybe Uri Geller does have otherworldly powers.
Maybe he is a genious a visionary, and an all-around swell guy. But if
Uri does indeed have these great mental powers, well, then do something
cool, or at least, something for the good of humanity. As it is, it
just seems like a great big waste of time, resources, and the money...
( Text unavailable)